To the Campus Couples

To the on-campus hand-holders,

           
To start, let me commend you for finding happiness in life. It’s cute that y’all are confident enough in each other to profess your love and attraction by holding each other’s hands in public. While it’s great to know that such affection exists out there in the world, I have a couple requests of you hand-holding couples:

          
First off, would it be at all possible to move to the edges of the sidewalk? Walking side by side is already taking up a ton of sidewalk space, and then you add the space occupied by your linked arms or hands and bam! The whole sidewalk has disappeared under your love, making it impossible for anyone to go around you. Or (heaven forbid) try to pass by between you two.

           
Secondly, maybe you don’t notice it, but I’m actually in kind of a rush. In my single life, I actually do care about getting to class and work on time. I know that sometimes these class breaks are the only times y’all get to see each other throughout the day, but you guys move SO SLOWLY. It's hard because I'm walking at a quick pace, and then I come up on your heels. Suddenly, I go from walking quickly to moving at a pace similar to a snail's And I really do want to get to class on time. Your slow pace, combined with the fact that you guys hog the whole sidewalk makes it really hard for us single people to make it anywhere on campus in a timely manner.

           
Lastly, if you see me coming towards you, could you quite possibly move closer together to give me a little space to go around you? I feel like you guys would want any excuse to be closer to each other, but somehow, I’m the only one that’s supposed to bending over backwards for you guys to walk at your slow pace as you gaze into your lover’s eyes. I’m really not that big. I just need a little sidewalk space to quickly move out of your way. Even if you can’t move to the edges of the sidewalk or pick up the pace, then the least you could do is try to take up as little space as possible when I come through. That’s all I ask really. I don’t see why it’s only my job to maneuver through the busy sidewalks. A little help from y’all is all that I need.

           
Again, I’m not bashing your public displays of affection. It’s sweet and endearing. And I’m not even being a tiny bit sarcastic. However, I just want a little accommodation on the sidewalks. I don’t think it’s too much to ask.

            Sincerely,

I like to move faster than a snail